esse quam videri
letters to crushes

"We met over Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.  I was in Starbucks with my nose buried in the book, and she came over my shoulder and whispered, "Don’t Panic!"

…I did.  I had never seen anyone so beautiful.  I invited her to sit down, though, and she did, and we talked about the book and some of our shared interests— how we share the Ninth Doctor in common as our favorite; how we both love caramel in our hot drinks, even if it’s a spring day; how we both like winter best and would I like to go see the orchestra with her?  It’s where she was headed anyway.  I said I’d love to, I go to this Starbucks all the time because it’s right by to the concert hall.

"Who are they playing?"

"Beethoven and Grieg."

They could have been playing anyone and I would have said yes.

And that was our first date.

Next week, it’ll have been forty-two months ago.  Our forty-two month anniversary.  Three and a half years.

Next Friday I’m going to ask her to marry me at the Starbucks where we met, right before the orchestra concert we have tickets for.

It’ll be our forty-two month anniversary, and I’m going to ask her to marry me because she’s my answer to life, the universe, and everything.

And I won’t panic.”

Posted 1 year ago with 1 note

“Do you think I am an automaton? — a machine without feelings? and can bear to have my morsel of bread snatched from my lips, and my drop of living water dashed from my cup? Do you think, because I am poor, obscure, plain, and little, I am soulless and heartless? You think wrong! — I have as much soul as you — and full as much heart! And if God had gifted me with some beauty and much wealth, I should have made it as hard for you to leave me, as it is now for me to leave you. I am not talking to you now through the medium of custom, conventionalities, nor even of mortal flesh: it is my spirit that addresses your spirit; just as if both had passed through the grave, and we stood at God’s feet, equal — as we are!”

Jane Eyre

Posted 1 year ago with 0 notes
2AM Tangents

I was sitting in mass in awe (as usual), just reflecting about how ridiculously blessed I am to be surrounded by such beautiful people (inside and out) in my life. Truly, I yearn for these simple moments of realization. And I thank Him constantly for my day-to-day interactions with people. For simple moments of light-hearted conversation. For the opportunity to share pieces of our lives, minds, hearts - genuinely. For communion with one another. For imperfect people being with other imperfect people, yet loving and embracing each other the same.

And I got to thinking: this is what life is truly about. To be and to share in being without searching how one can be of “use” to another - no! Because we are useless in the ultimate scheme of things. We’re born, we live, we die. We were created not for use, but out of love of a divine and merciful being. We are not meant to be used and were never meant to be used in the first place. The point is, we have no point - but to simply be. We are creatures made out of love for the sake of love. And this gets distorted when people constantly search from some exterior, “greater” purpose in humanity, when ultimately our sole purpose is just to be - to exist. That is our greater purpose - to be. That is what God calls us to do. It is no wonder that we get in fits about institutions and the superstructures of religion, arts, and politics. Because they are merely institutions that offer the “best” way to be, the “normal” way to be. To live. And the beautiful thing is that we each take our own journey to achieve this state of being uniquely our own. And it is with our own interactions and immersion within the world that constructs this road towards the Truth, the Ultimate Being that brings us to ourselves - that is God. 

This is what I believe the human experience is about. For though we experience so much heart-wrenching pain and suffering, at the same time, we are able to experience the magnificent phenomena that is Love. It is better to have experienced torment and love, than not to have had experienced Love at all. And amidst this experience, we must love and guide each other towards this ultimate Truth, Beauty and Goodness. This is what we are called to do on our short time here on this earth - to love one another so deeply to the point of Truth. 

This is what the human experience is all about.  

Posted 1 year ago with 5 notes
The Humbling of Irisa Ona, Episode 6 of 38742938.
Posted 1 year ago with 1 note
I love my Comm Theory class and our assignments.

 Based on NPR’s “This I Believe” columns. (www.thisibelieve.org)

 

I believe in love. The real kind.

Hook-ups, booty-calls, one-night stands – these words are all too familiar in this culture, especially in the college scene. “It was just a one night stand, no big deal.” “I met her at a party. She was cute.” Divorce rates are at the highest they have ever been. “Irreconcilable differences” has become a phrase all too familiar to us, especially to the little ones. It is a bit terrifying to accept that our culture has come to such complacency and comfort with these ideas. Why do they call it “making love”? Are we truly creating love in these actions?

I believe that humanity begins with the couple. Life literally gushes forth from the unity of a man and a woman. They build family structures that are meant to cultivate humane beings to continue the progression of humanity, society and all that is good; which boggles my mind as to why we carelessly toss around relationships and marriages as if it is not imperative at all. It all begins in the relationship between the two. However, preceding the couple is the pursuit – the lighting up of the eyes when they pass you by, the fumbling of words, awkward greetings, the rush of cracking open our ribs and pouring ourselves into one another, and that moment when galaxies collide and it just… “clicks”.

What beautiful creatures human beings are, and how we are made even more beautiful when we experience these spectacular feelings. But that is the thing – they are just feelings. To some, it is conviction enough to act upon. But we are sophisticated beings, are we not? Are we not beyond our physical beings? Human law – what is right – may require humans to go against our natural appetite – our feelings. It is quite a harsh philosophical truth that I continuously struggle with day to day. However, it is universally known that feelings are as changing as the ebb and flow of a river. I have personally experienced the distraught in someone’s change of heart towards me, and vice versa. As good and glorious feelings are, its expiration date shakes me. For this reason, this type of commitment makes me hesitant. I believe in forever. I believe in eternity, which is why I take relationships and marriage seriously, possibly too seriously. Will my significant other love me regardless of the mistakes I will make down the road? When Father Time has eaten away at my body? For that matter, will I be able to love my better half during those moments when they are not making anything better?

These questions all boil down to the ultimate question – what is love?

It is a subjective question and it’s near impossible to fully answer. Some believe love is a strip club, while others believe love is eighty-nine years of marriage. Through much observation and introspection, I constantly grapple with this question and all I have to offer is the fruit of these reflections.

I firmly believe that love is a phenomenon of the divine. I believe it is an essence transcendent of humanity. Naturally, my Catholic faith has made a large impact on my thoughts and ideas, however love is not merely an idea that has been brainwashed into me. You cannot tell me that the humanity that created “Jersey Shore” and “Keeping Up With the Kardashians” had anything to do with the creation of love. I might be too severe on our humanity, but I believe it is a pure and priceless gift not of this world. It is something that cannot be bound by mere folderol such as time, feelings, arguments, paperwork, and the like.

I believe love, in its most pure state, to be self-sacrifice. This humility, this dying to one’s self, is what creates life within beings – a life-giving kind of love. Love flourishes in those moments when we stop selfishness dead in its tracks, recollect from nonsensical arguments, and instead, together, find a way to conquer it. Love flourishes when one has kept their thoughts away from themselves and instead, concern themselves with the sufferings of another. I see love in vulnerability and honesty. I see love when a man and a woman wait until marriage to offer themselves fully and purely only to one another. I see love in a husband who remains true to his promise at the altar and continuously offers himself to his wife even when that passion and “fire” has long burned away. It is activity. It should be constant. Love surpasses mere compatibility and good conversation.

Furthermore, I believe love is acknowledging the brokenness dwelling within us that makes up our humanity. It is embracing these broken pieces regardless of how many times we are cut. Family, friends, girlfriends and boyfriends, husbands and wives – we love ourselves sick with these ideas. But rarely do we love these people. (Thanks, Chu)

I believe love had never been about feeling incomplete and the rush to suffice it. It has constantly been about fullness – giving, embracing, suffering, and living all you have for another. Once we begin to comprehend this, only then will we be able to experience the fullness of love and life; for love is more infectious than any moral disease that plagues the earth – once we are filled to the brim, we cannot help but overflow.  

 

Posted 1 year ago with 7 notes

I’ll Be Seeing You 
Billie Holiday 

I’ll be seeing you
In all the old familiar places
That this heart of mine embraces
All day through.

In that small cafe;
The park across the way;
The children’s carousel;
The chestnut trees;
The wishin’ well.

I’ll be seeing you
In every lovely summer’s day;
In every thing that’s light and gay.
I’ll always think of you that way.

I’ll find you
In the morning sun
And when the night is new.
I’ll be looking at the moon,
But I’ll be seeing you.

I’ll be seeing you
In every lovely summer’s day;
In every thing that’s light and gay.
I’ll always think of you that way.

I’ll find you
In the morning sun
And when the night is new.
I’ll be looking at the moon,
But I’ll be seeing you.


Here’s to you, East Coast. May this be my “officially missing a piece of my heart” post. 

Posted 2 years ago with 1 note
God gives because He is God and it is His nature; not because we have performed acts in exchange.
Posted 2 years ago with 1 note
I love the heck out of this movie. 

I love the heck out of this movie. 

Posted 2 years ago with 6 notes