There is a good reason why I started this blog post so close to the due date. No, it is not because I forgot. It is because starting - a blog, a passion project, a story, a relationship, buying Christmas gifts, anything really - that actually matters to me is really freaking hard. Starting is difficult for me (and probably for a lot of people) because:
3. Fear of failure
Fear - there is fear that whatever I create or invest time in will be judged and deemed as stupid or unworthy or nonsense or [insert appropriate negative adjective here].
Failure - that whatever I create or invest time in will not become as great and wonderful and perfect as I imagined.
Fear of failure - that whatever I create or invest time in will fail, thus will mark me as a failure. “OH GOSH I AM A FAILURE” *shakes fists at sky, releases a pitiful wail, collapsing into a crying fit*
At the moment, I have an endless list of projects and ideas that are collecting dust in the crevices of my mind because I was too scared to make them real for fear that they may not come out as awesome and perfect as I had imagined. There have been many times I’ve pondered relationships with others and realized - oh wait, I didn’t even let him get to know me enough (which is a form of starting) for anything to even happen with that because I wanted it to be a perfect love story from the get go *nervous laugh*. Or, “I wanna staring working out more and do a triathlon but nahhhh I might look like an idiot while I run.”
But after much meditation and reading (books for this class, and Mindset by Carol Dweck) and good ‘ol time just making ya a little wiser every day, I’ve come to realize that this it is stupid and ultimately detrimental for me to think like this.
Just. Start. This is what morning pages has taught me. After endless griping about waking up 30 minutes earlier to do this repetitive exercise, I finally realized why it’s actually pretty nifty. Why is it so easy for me to write my morning pages? Because in my mind, no one will ever read this and so I can do what I want (BECAUSE, I DO WHAT I WANT… I AM THE QUEEN IN THE LAND OF MORNING PAGES). I would also like to note, since I’ve started, most of my brilliant ideas and “Eureka!” moments have been credited to morning pages. Most, if not all, of my fears revolve around judgments of people toward me. But the mindset of morning pages eliminates that fear. I just have to get into that mindset.
I racked my brain for hours thinking about how awesome I wanted this blogpost to be -
"Oh yeah, I should make a stop motion video, oooh how about artwork, wait how could I make this more badass than everyone else’s or wait how can I impress my friends?
Would the class think this is cool?
Would Kate think this is cool?
Is this cool
Am i cool
But in the end - who cares? Just start. Make something. Let it be created in its own way. More genuine things come from this method. Don’t worry about it being perfect on the first go, because it won’t be and that is perfectly fine. This holds true for all the endeavors that I have actually started. If it sucks, it sucks. You don’t suck. Blame your genius or whatever. Now that I think about it, it’s actually pretty selfish to think that everything you made is completely and originally from you. If it did not end up like how you wanted it to be, you’re not a failure. At least you’ll have something to work with. Failure is normal and I think in the big scheme of things, actually good for you. At least you would have started and failed than not have started at all.
~*~*Shoot for da moon*~*~ (and u will die… jk)
Irisa A. Ona
Frank Sinatra & Tommy Dorsey